Tuesday, January 29, 2013



Today marks the day my world turned upside-down.
Seven years ago today my mom (best friend and confidant) passed away.
I can remember all the details of that horrible day in my head like it was yesterday, but that's not what this post is about.  Instead, I'm going to start the day off by writing a letter to my mom.  Stick around because there will be giggles, especially if you knew her personally!

Mama,
I can't believe it's been seven years.  It seems like just yesterday we were laughing and watching movies together and then you were gone.  So much has changed in my life since then.  First of all, can you believe I live in Oklahoma?!  I can't.  It's crazy talk.  But I love it here and I think you would too.

I had a sweet little talk with Larry this morning.  I know he misses you too.  Remember how you used to yell, "YOUR CAT TRIED TO KILL ME!!" whenever he would get underfoot?  I do that now when they do it to me now.  I still call Larry "Man Cat" because of you and I also still tell Lili "about the day Nanny and I saved her life at the shelter" when we adopted her.

Your birthday has gotten easier but it still hurts.  It helps that you raised us to love Halloween more than Christmas.  Oh, and I still consider October your "birth month" even though you've been gone so long.

Here are a few things that will make you smile:

  • Remember how you used to wear your tiara for no reason at all except to make yourself smile?  I do that sometimes too.  
  • I still HATE the sound of someone whistling, crunching ice/candy, clicking ball point pens, or the hiccups.  Thanks for passing those pet peeves on to me.
  • When I see someone wearing something way too tight, I hear your voice say "just a size or two bigger" and I giggle to myself.
  • I clean the house "mom style" most times...clean a little, watch a tv show, clean a little more, watch another show, clean a little more, take a nap.  You'd be proud.
Really though, I do hope you'd be proud of me.  I've got my life on a pretty good track.  I'm back in school and have gotten almost straight A's.  I have surrounded myself with the most amazing friends.  You'd love them all.  Some even say they feel like they know you through me which I consider one of the highest compliments.  

Something I know you would NOT be proud of is the fact that I've gotten more tattoos.  They're also all covered by my clothing so I don't think it looks too trashy.  I know you thought "four was trampy but five is downright whorish!" but the last two are memorial tattoos for you.  One is even the design we joked about after watching Miami Ink one day.  When I asked what you'd want your memorial tattoo to be some day you took all the cliche tattoo things and threw them together into one.  I couldn't bring myself to say "skull and cross bones" or "death before dishonor" the first time, but I eventually got it and it's my favorite tattoo.  

I recently found myself single again.  The only relationship advice you gave me was to find a man that would cherish me.  If he cherishes me then he will love me, respect me, fight for me, honor me, protect me, never intentionally hurt me, care for me, etc.  I still haven't found that someone...yet.  I believe he's out there and I won't settle in the meantime.  I saw this the other day on Pinterest and it sounded like something you would tell me.
I'll wait as long as I have to.
Sounds like you, right?
The morning you passed away I heard your voice plain as day say "don't lose your laughter, girls."  I haven't heard your voice so clearly since.  That memory is one of the reasons I try to bring so much fun into life in general, but especially into Grant's life and I can't wait to do the same with baby Ava. 
(I wish I could do the same for Sahari, but it's hard to do from such a distance.)  It's my little way of keeping a part of your spirit alive and with them.  In fact, a few weeks ago Sis and I got to laughing about how her car horn sounded like a clown car out of the blue.  It was such a silly moment but it was like you were there too when Grant joined in the giggles.  It was one of those moments where I felt so happy to have Bethany and her family here in Tulsa.  

Speaking of Bethany and her family, we are going to a special dinner tonight to celebrate your life instead of mourning your death.  We know it's what you would want.  My goals are to share fun memories, share some laughs, and to not spill soup on my shirt.  Either way, I know you will be with us.  

Mom, I love you each and every day.  It's a comfort to know you are still with me in spirit.  I feel your loving arms around me when I need it most, your watchful eye on me when I need some advice (God, do I miss your advice! You gave the best advice.), and your smile when I know you're laughing right along side me.  We only got 29 years together, but I wouldn't trade a day because I got the best mom in the world for 29 amazing years.  I am who I am today because of you!  I love you, mama!

My love, forever and always, 
Jen

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8 comments:

  1. My goodness. This is a beautiful letter, Jen!

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  2. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing and opening your heart :)

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  3. Very beautiful post. Such a sweet letter!

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  4. What a wonderful tribute to your mom. An anniversary is always especially tough. Glad you have so many great memories of your time together.

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  5. Beautiful post, Jennifer! Have a wonderful dinner with oyr family tonight!

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  6. What a sweet post - hope you take comfort in all your wonderful memories and know that she is always with you in your heart :)

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  7. Such a sweet post Jen. I have tears in my eyes and I know that your mom is so proud of the woman that you are.

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  8. I had nearly 300 posts to catch up on... so I just read this one. Pretty sure your mom would pee her pants laughing with you about life... you are great at making people smile.

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